Gage

gagester @ 2004-02-18T01:45:00

2004-02-18T08:00:30Z

Like a mixed bag of candy. Not because it's full of surprises, but because there's variety. You don't know what there is, or what to expect. There's a 50/50 chance you'll like what you taste. You might get lucky and pull out your favorite type, only to find that the next piece of candy you eat is nasty, probably one of those licorice or aniseed flavored black jelly beans or something.

I've been busy, sorry for leaving it so long.

Well. Not really. That's just my excuse for not updating. And just a very random way of trying to express my absolute dislike for black jelly beans. And another excuse for trying to get around the update. I have no excuse, I just have this weird need to somehow justify why I don't do certain things. I should just live and let live. Or just shut the hell up.

I border, like that bag of candy. I've been nearly ashamed of my actions, towards myself, towards my room mates, to my friends and most importantly, towards Ashlee, yet a the same time, it had to be said. Just a sudden deterioation marked the beginning of something new and something completely and entirely random - the one thing moving forward would have been the one thing keeping me back. It was a double sided arrow, or at least in my opinion. Did it or didn't it matter? Would it have been trivial, or would it have made a huge impact? I felt both, and it hurt.

It nearly tore me apart. I kept thinking, you can't help who you fall in love with, but you can help who you hurt. And I held on to that with my life, and because of that, I had never felt more alone, confused or estranged in my whole life. My eyes were open, but I couldn't see. I was listening, but I couldn't hear.

It got to the point where everything was stagnant. Words were said, tears fell, opinions were exchanged. Maybe it had been better I didn't know. Because, sure, it wasn't a big deal. Just Gage jumping his gun again over silly and trivial incidents which had significance. Maybe it had been like that to protect, because if I had known, I know I wouldn't be where I am today. Or maybe it just meant nothing, and we'll pray for no surfacing.

From my angle, it did matter. From that angle, it didn't. And who's to say what was right and what was wrong? And what did I expect, anyway? What did I expect.

It came down to those words again. You can't help who you fall in love with, but you can help who you hurt. I think I have to choose between my best friend or my girlfriend.

We said a long time ago that we'd never let a girl come between us. So if that's not the case, then can somebody please tell me what is? I don't want to lose this over her, but I also don't want to lose her.

gagester @ 2004-02-13T16:07:00

2004-01-13T22:14:04Z

I got my first paycheck yesterday and damn, it felt good and strangely rewarding to realize that my bank account was suddenly $267.90 richer. I guess it makes me feel like I'm actually on my way to finally growing up, to finally being responsible for myself... even though a measly $267 is hardly going to change the world.

You know what? I'm not going to lie and say that my job is the best job in the world, when it comes down to what I actually do. When it comes down to it, it's probably just about the complete opposite. I stand around all day, sweeping the floors, standing by the backdoor and collecting deliveries of pet food and animal litter from the truckies, and stock the shelves.

I work three full days a week, Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays. The store (called Traer's Pets, if anybody wanted to stop by) opens at 8am everyday, but I get there at half seven to help Mrs Traer open the store and get the ball rolling, then stay back an extra half hour after the store closes, without pay. After helping her open the store, I stock the shelves, rotate the stock, change the litter trays and feed all the animals. I don't get a lunch break, and the pay is actually quite lousy.

It sounds like a shit job, and I'm probably getting jipped for all it's worth. But then, I'm mistaken here, if from what I am saying sounds like I am complaining about my job. I am, but I'm not.

Despite the pitfalls and messiness of working at Traer's Pets, I love it. I mean, so what if I end up driving home every other night covered in animal hair and stinking like a litter tray? Nobody is forcing me to hold this job, and therefore, I have no right to complain about what I do. And, I love what I do, so of course I won't complain. On the surface, it appears miserable, but I've learnt to realize that not everything has a glassy surface.

Here is where I praise my job. Mrs Traer is a great boss and we get along well. She cusses like there is no tomorrow, says what's on her mind, lets me call her Sal (though I still call her Mrs Traer), and her and her husband are having great sex. Uh. Yuh. Considering it's only the two of us who run the store together every other day, there are plenty of moments where there have been no customers, and the two of us are able to sit down and talk about everything and anything. Even though I've only had the job for just over a week, I feel like I've really gotten to know her, and I feel comfortable with that. After all, there would be nothing worse than rocking up to the job and despising your boss. Who, just so happens to be having great sex with her husband. Anyway.

Since I have no prior knowledge in money handling and working a cash register, she isn't able to leave me alone in the store, incase a customer comes in to buy something. So, come lunch time, or when she can sense that I am hungry (due to a very arrogant and loud stomach), she'll hand me a fistful of bills and tell me to go pick up a sandwich or snack for the two of us.

The best part about the job is the animals, I believe. After I've cleaned out their trays and fed them and changed the newspaper, I'll sit cross legged on the floor or lie there, and talk to the animals. I love how with the kittens, or the puppies, I can cradle them with one hand and let them sit there, and they'll fall asleep. Or I'll sidle up to the fish tanks and press my nose against the glass and watch all the fish bump against it. Everybody else, including Mrs Traer herself, end up groaning, but at least I'm having fun. What can I say? Small things amuse small minds.

Anyway, I should cut this short before you all think I am crazy. Plus, I think I need to do some shopping, it looks like Dahran and Ryan ate everything in the house. :(

gagester @ 2004-01-13T13:14:00

2004-01-13T19:16:54Z

hold on.